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Joke -a - Day

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Fiveroosters aka clayandbrush
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« Reply #120 on: September 19, 2014, 04:00:56 am »

Dear Inn Bok, bidet is not so common in French too, some hotels has it, some not. It is a must here in Italy, you will not find a toilet without bidet at private homes. Where it is never there is in England, and Germany too. For us it is a tragedy when we go in England or Germany and we wonder how they do it. But it is a non sense wondering, as that of the elephant below (the first one).
We have a lot of very silly jokes about elephants, as the one posted recently by Joey.
An elephant see a naked man, and wonders: how can he drink?
And another one:
An elephant tells to the camel: “Why do you have your boobs on your back?”. “Hear, hear” say the camel “and you then, who have the cock in the middle of the face?”
Giovanni
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« Reply #121 on: September 19, 2014, 05:27:54 am »

Joey's  joke  about President  Goldfarb  reminds  me  of a  true   story  (really  true !)

A  biblical   historian  was  addressing  a   class of   Catholic seminary  students  on "Jesus  in his  life  and  times", detailing  Israel  as  it  was  in  0 - 30 CE.

The  historian  went to  great  lengths to   explain  that  Jesus  was  not a  white-skinned,  golden-haired  anglo-saxon.  He  was a  dark  skinned,  dark  haired  Jew ,and  that  he   dutifully  followed  all the  Jewish   religious  customs,  was   circumcised,   read the  Torah,  went to  the   synagogue   etc...  and  in summary  Jesus  was   100%   a  Jew !

Just  when  the   historian  had  got the   class to   do this  (for them  mind-bending  mental  re-adjustment)  a   hand   timidly  went  up at the  back of  the  class:

"Sir, OK  I can understand that  Jesus  was  a  Jew....  but surely his  mother was  not a  Jew? "

 Cheesy

Cheers
Peter
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« Reply #122 on: September 19, 2014, 11:47:32 am »

Dear Peter,

    Good one, but you've got to explain, for those who don't know, that Judaism is passed down today via the maternal line (ie, if his mother was a Jewess, he's a Jew)...  Cheesy
   
    I'll give you 2 true stories which happened to me:

   When I was 17, I went exploring in Zedekiah's Cave, with a few friends, native Hebrew-speaking Israelis from my high school in Jerusalem. The cave, accessed from outside the Old City Walls just north of the Damascus Gate, dates back thousands of years, and is considered a major quarry from that time (First Temple period, ca. 960-586 BCE). The Masons and Freemasons do ceremonies there on occasion.
    We met a group of American Protestants, led by their 'pastor'. He obviously knew nothing about the site.  I explained about the site in English to them, then got quizzed by the 'pastor'.
   "What's that language you and your friends are jabbering away in?", he asked.
I replied, "Hebrew, the language of the Land of Israel and the Hebrew Bible".
His reply? "If English was good enough for Jesus, it should be good enough for you!"
When I translated it, all my friends, and the two Arabs who were there looking after the Israel Antiquities Authority site, started laughing, and we were splitting our sides. I almost made in my pants...

   When I was going to do the legal  Israel Government tour guide course in 1985, I accompanied a dear friend, the late  Fr. Godfrey Koetzli, OFM of blessed memory, on one of his guided tours. He was guiding Catholic Bible Study tours in Israel, as he'd done for the previous 35-40 years (I'm not sure if he started before or after the founding of the State).
   After he'd spent close to an hour explaining the history of the Western Wall of the Temple Mount to an American group, one guy pipes up and says,"Father, if this wall is so important to these Jews, Why did they build it in the Arab side of the city!?"
    On Masada, the plateau overlooking what's left of the Dead Sea (between Jordan and Israel removing potash and bitumen, and keeping back most of the Jordan River's waters, it's almost disappeared) the same guy asked Fr. Godfrey, "Why didn't the Jewish Zealots just shoot the Romans, Father ?!"
    We just looked at him, and he got embarrassed. He said,"I bet that's a dumb question, isn't it Father?
The Romans wouldn't let the Jews buy guns! "
Best,
 Shabbat Shalom,
    Joey
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« Reply #123 on: September 20, 2014, 06:27:38 pm »

Great jokes and interesting stories guys.....keep up the good work!  Grin Grin Grin
Cheers, Brenda
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« Reply #124 on: September 21, 2014, 04:48:17 am »

       Five guys are sitting in a tavern in Toronto, drinking together: a Black from Jamaica; a Toronto Jew; an Italian; a Pole; and an Englishman.
       They decide to buy a Lottario ticket (Ontario Lottery) worth 50 million CDN$, together. The Black says, "why don't we measure our dick sizes, and then we'll have 5 numbers?"
       So they measure their penises: the Black has 14 inches, so they put down 14; the Jew has 10 inches, so 10 is put down; the Italian has 9 inches, so that is written down. The Pole has 7 inches, and the Englishman has 4 inches, so they have the five numbers: 14, 10, 9, 7, and  4.
      THEY WIN!
      After collecting their winnings, they retire to the tavern to toast their good luck.
The Black says,"Without my 14 inches, we'd have nothing!"
The Jew, the Italian and the Pole say the same thing.
Then, the Englishman gets up, and says,
"And what if I'd NOT had an erection?!"


    This Canadian guy is really drunk, and he gets his girlfriend's name, 'MARY' tattooed  on his penis.
When flaccid, only 'MY' is visible.
Once, at a public urinal in Toronto, he sees a big Black man, with 'MY' tattooed on his penis too.
"Your girlfriend's name is Mary too, I see", He says to the Black man.
"Man, What you say?!", The Black replies.
He says, "See, I've got 'MY' tattooed on my dick too. I was really drunk when I got my girlfriend Mary's name tattooed on it!"
The Black says, "Man, I got no girlfriend! Once in Kingston, Jamaica, I was really, really drunk! I got a tattoo on my cock:
   "MAN, WELCOME TO KINGSTON JAMAICA AND HAVE A NICE DAY" !

   
     Two nuns are cycling through a picturesque French village on their way back to their convent.
One says, "Ooh, Sister! I've never come this way before!"
The other nun replies, "It must be the cobblestones!"

     

     An RC priest and his friend the Methodist pastor were fishing together on Lough Ree in Ireland, as they'd done for 30 years. One day, the Methodist brought a friend visiting from Dublin, a Jewish rabbi.
     They are in the small boat, about 10 meters from shore, and the priest says, "excuse me, Gentlemen. I must hit the loo",  and steps over the gunwale and walks on the water to shore! The rabbi is in shock, but, seeing his friend the pastor unfazed, says nothing.
     The priest returns a few minutes later, and again, walks on the water to the boat!
     After about 20 min., the pastor gets up, and says," I think I'll do the same" and he steps over the gunwale and walks on the water to shore! After a few minutes, he returns, and again walks on the water!
    The rabbi says," Gentlemen, I too must void my bladder" and steps over the gunwale. He sinks like a stone!
    As he surfaces, spluttering, the priest says to the Methodist, "Pastor, didn't you tell your friend where the stepping stones were?!"



    Athlone, near Lough Ree, has a trio of clergy who are good friends, the RC priest, the Methodist pastor, and the Jewish rabbi, who is recently arrived from Dublin. They take a walk on the shores of Lough Ree every day, talking theology etc.
    One fine summer day, it is over 24 C, and the priest suggests they take a dip in Lough Ree. They all agree, strip and leave their things  on a tree, about 40 feet from the pebbly strand.
They swim, and enjoy themselves.
    As they are getting out,  they see a group of the town's ladies, on their own stroll, coming towards them.
The priest and the pastor cover their 'private parts' with their hands, and run towards their clothing. The rabbi covers his face and does the same.
    After they are decently attired, the pastor accosts the rabbi. "Rabbi, Fr. Murphy and I covered our 'privates' and ran to our stuff! You covered your face! How do you explain this?!"
   The rabbi looks at them, and replies, " My dear friends, I don't know how your congregants recognise you, but mine recognise me by my face!"

Best,
   Joey
 
 
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« Reply #125 on: September 21, 2014, 05:07:43 am »

 My sister Bonnie just sent this to me:

Happy Jewish New Year 
 As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.Â

 Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.
 
 Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
 

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
 
 Rosh Hashana ------- Feast
  Gedalia's Fast ----------- Fast
 Yom Kippur -------------- Serious fast
 Sukkot -------------------- Feast for a week +
 Hoshana Raba ---- More feasting
 Simchat Torah -------- Keep right on feasting
 Month of Heshvan ----- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
 Hanukka ---------------- Eat potato pancakes
 tenth of Tevet fast --------- Do not eat potato pancakes
 Tu B'Shevat ------------ Feast on Fruit
 Fast of Esther --------- Fast
 Purim --------------------- Eat pastry, feast and get drunk
 Shushan Purim --------------eat pastry, feast and get drunk
 Passover ---------------- Do not eat pastry for a week But Serious Feast (with Matza)
 Shavuot ------------------ Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.) at night; meat feast next day
  17th of Tammuz -------- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
  Tisha B'Av ----------------- Serious fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
  Month of Elul ------------ End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.
 
 And there are many forms of Judaism:
 
 Cardiac Judaism ---------- in my heart I am a Jew.
 Gastronomic Judaism --- we eat Jewish foods 
 Pocketbook Judaism ----- I give to Jewish causes.
 Drop-off Judaism --------- drop the kids off at Sunday school; go out to breakfast.
 Twice a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur.
 
 You know you grew up Jewish:
 
   You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef  "beef brisket" 

  Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

  Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

  You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

  You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum)

  You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

  You grew up thinking there was a fish called lax.

  You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.

  You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.
 
Best,
   Joey
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« Reply #126 on: October 08, 2014, 03:39:41 pm »

I just read a great quote by Ibn Warraq, a very well educated apostate ex-Muslim.
  He said,"I would not want to live in a country where one can be stoned for adultery.
I prefer to live in a country where one can get stoned, and then commit adultery!"
Joey
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« Reply #127 on: October 08, 2014, 10:30:10 pm »

Love this one... thanks Joey!
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Pat
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« Reply #128 on: October 09, 2014, 12:59:07 am »

Dear Pat,
    While I am not advocating adultery, I also love this one.  Grin
Thank you,
Joey


Love this one... thanks Joey!
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« Reply #129 on: October 10, 2014, 06:53:56 pm »

Great one Joey!  Grin
Cheers, Brenda
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« Reply #130 on: October 11, 2014, 03:19:48 am »

Thank you, Brenda.

    A white Christian medical missionary from England goes to  black Africa to help a tribe. After a year, the chief's wife gives birth to a baby, and he's white!
   The chief is really upset, ranting and raving, and the missionary tries to explain basic genetics, and how a black couple could produce a white baby. He decides to use the white goats the tribe keeps for milk and meat as an example.
   He says, "Chief, you know how, even though your goats are all white, you occasionally get a black goat?"
   The chief looks this way and that, and then says, "If you stop talking about the black goats, I won't talk about the white baby!"  Grin

Best,
 Shabbat Shalom,
Joey
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« Reply #131 on: October 13, 2014, 04:01:01 am »

Huhum. Good one Joey..
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« Reply #132 on: January 04, 2015, 02:22:11 pm »

Guys,
   I can't believe that no-one has added to this since mid-October!

   In the heyday of immigration to Israel from the Soviet Union in the early 1970s, a Russian Jew brings his wife to the desk of the Jewish Agency For Israel (who looked after the Russian Jews after they arrived) at Lod (now Ben Gurion) International Airport, and proceeds to screw her on the table!
   The people yell at him.
   He gets off, and says, in a thick Russian accent," Don't say a word to me! In Moscow they told me: If you don't bang on the table in Israel, you don't get anything!"   Grin

Joey
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« Reply #133 on: January 04, 2015, 09:25:23 pm »

Thanks for reviving this topic Joey.  As always, you had me chuckling.

Here's another one involving a heavy accent (Giovanni, please don't take offense!)....

NO SPEEKA  DA ENGLIS.

A bus stops in New York and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: 

 "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I cum once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I - cuma again
and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

 "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.   "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our - sex lives........." 
"Hey, coola down lady,"  said the man.......... 
"Who talkin' abouta - sexa?.....
I 'm a justa tellin'  my frienda, how to spella . . .

  . . ."MISSISSIPPI!"    Grin
 


Tom
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« Reply #134 on: January 05, 2015, 11:32:35 am »

BRILLIANT, Tom!   Grin Cheesy
Joey

  I heard one from  a Catholic priest in Madison, Wisconsin:
 3 nuns died in an accident, and went to Heaven.
     St. Peter said," You have all been virgins your whole lives; you get to experience the pleasures of the flesh a whole day before you enter Heaven and become angels. You can be anyone you want for 24 hrs".
  The first says, "I'd like to be Sophie Loren". He says,"Fine, Room 32."
  The second says, "I'd like to be Gina Lollobrigida". He replies," Fine, room 36".
  The third says," I'd like to be Virginia Pippelini, please."
  St. Peter says, confused,"We have no record of a Virginia Pippelini."
  The aged nun takes out an extremely old, faded clipping.
  St. Peter opens it up, and reads:
   "Virginia Pipeline to be laid by 2000 men". !     Grin Cheesy

Best,
 Joey
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« Reply #135 on: January 05, 2015, 05:39:50 pm »

You made me laugh dear Tom!
Dear Joey, since you mentioned Gina Lollobrigida you recall me the following, which is not a joke, I read that when I was living in Brazil. In that Country you can hear such incredible personal names, I myself know people named Donizetti (given name, not family name!), Wellington, even Walt Disney, all given names! Well, once there was a reportage on a magazine about this. There was some really funny examples. One of them was a girl which family name was Dos Santos, a common one. His father was a fan of Gina Lollobrigida and Ava Gardner, so the full name of the girl was Ava Gina Dos Santos, which spoken sounds as “A vagina dos santos”, literally from Portuguese “The vagina of the Saints”!
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« Reply #136 on: January 05, 2015, 09:29:21 pm »

Dear Giovanni,
     Excellent! Obviously the Brazilians have a great sense of humour when it comes to naming their children. When working in Hong Kong I came across some odd given names, but they were not trying to be humourous. They were attempting to sound more English. Some of the names I remember: Claridge (after the famous hotel Claridges), Harrod (from Harrods store), Winchester, and the best one....Selfridge.
 
Dear Joey,
     I heard a similar version of the 'pipeline' joke over 40 years ago, and have never heard it again since. Thanks for reminding me of it! In my version the name was Sarah Pippelina, and the headline ran: "Sahara Pipeline Laid by 1,000 Men in 5 Months."

Tom
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« Reply #137 on: January 05, 2015, 10:10:50 pm »

Very funny guys....love this thread but I am not good at telling nor remembering jokes.  Forgive me...
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« Reply #138 on: January 06, 2015, 02:07:21 pm »

Dear Giovanni and Tom,
     We have a funny one in Ramallah. There was a guy named Hilton alBasri, and he wanted to run a Hilton hotel. He built a 7 bedroom motel, and asked the Hilton Corporation to recognise his place as a Hilton. They sued him not to use the name, but he called his place 'the Ramallah Hilton', but was forced to remove the sign etc.
Joey
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« Reply #139 on: January 06, 2015, 08:27:34 pm »

Dear Joey,
     That reminds me of the time I was sent to Addis Ababa on a business trip. The client made all the arrangements and put me up at the InterContinental. The hotel was OK, but didn't seem to be quite up to the usual standard. And there wasn't any folder in the room promoting the group's other hotels around the world.     
     It was only on my second day that I was told that the hotel I was staying in had nothing to do with InterContinental hotels. This one was called The Inter-Continental, with a hyphen in the middle! As far as I know, they still operate under that name. 

Tom
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