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Joke -a - Day

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Peter Bentley 彭达理
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« Reply #100 on: September 08, 2014, 05:23:25 pm »

Hey  Brenda,

That  is    a  bit  too close to the  mark  for a  Pom   who  is  an  ardent  Kiwi  fan and  even  has  a  holiday  property  at the  top of  Queenstown  hill !

By way  of a    real, true   joke,  please  never  forget   what the  Prime  Minister  of  NZ  said to the  PM of  Oz-Land  when the  former   commented  on the  large  number  of  Kiwis  migrating to  the  surfing shores  of  Oz-land

"Every  time a  Kiwi  migrates  to   Australia   the  average  IQ  of  both  countries  increases"

Cheers

Peter the  Pom

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« Reply #101 on: September 08, 2014, 05:40:32 pm »

This is a  special  joke  for the  female  species  of    the    snuff bottle  collecting   race

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death

The question?....What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests and rabbis, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden.
But Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.

But, what a sight awaited him.....  the  most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed !

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other  half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OK ?
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Noble Lancelot said that :  he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.   Grin



Now ...what is the   real  moral to this story?


Scroll down   again a  few  lines ... and I  bet you  can't  get the  moral  of  the  story !

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The  real  moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way.... things are going to get ugly  !

Cheesy
 

« Last Edit: September 08, 2014, 05:45:16 pm by Peter Bentley 彭达理 » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #102 on: September 09, 2014, 01:07:30 am »

Hi Brenda and Peter,

Thanks for the jokes.

Inn Bok
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« Reply #103 on: September 09, 2014, 05:47:44 am »

Hi Brenda and Peter,
Great jokes from both of you.....loved the dry cleaners one.

Tom
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« Reply #104 on: September 12, 2014, 10:25:08 pm »

A sheila ( aussie slang for girl  Grin)  walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to do her tax return.


The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"No worries, he says, chicken farmer it is."  Grin Wink

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« Reply #105 on: September 12, 2014, 10:50:00 pm »

Funny one Brenda...
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« Reply #106 on: September 13, 2014, 10:52:24 am »

I agree with Inn Bok and Tom, great jokes, Guys!
Joey



Hi Brenda and Peter,
Great jokes from both of you.....loved the dry cleaners one.

Tom
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Joey Silver (Si Zhouyi 義周司), collecting snuff bottles since Feb.1970

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« Reply #107 on: September 13, 2014, 05:09:38 pm »

    When I was 17, I went with my late parents to South Africa, Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), Malawi and Kenya.
In Wankie Game Reserve near Victoria Falls, we had a really hot big strapping young Boer as our guide.
He had some tourist jokes:
   Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees.
   How do we know it works?
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?!

   Guides say that whistles help scare away hippopotami and bells scare away lions.
How do we know? Because we find bells in the stomachs of hippopotami, and whistles in the stomachs of lions...
Joey
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Joey Silver (Si Zhouyi 義周司), collecting snuff bottles since Feb.1970

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« Reply #108 on: September 14, 2014, 03:30:30 pm »

 THE ISRAELI DOG and THE ARAB DOG
 
 
     The Israelis and Arabs realized that if they continued fighting, they  would someday end up destroying the whole world, so they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice:  A duel of two, like David and Goliath. 

     This would be a dog fight to the death.

     The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to  lay down its arms for good.

    The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine.After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed solid steel bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty, ferocious beast.

    When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!!

    Everyone at the dog-fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp.

    The bookies all took one look and predicted the Arab dog would win in less than a minute!

    The cages were opened. The Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leaped from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.
   
    As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer-dog's tail floating to the ground.
   
    The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

     The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans,  Rottweillers and Siberian wolves. They developed an incredible killing machine of a dog".
   
    The Israeli General replied. "Well, we took a different approach.  For 5 years we have had a team of the top Jewish plastic surgeons from Beverly Hills, California  working to make a saltwater crocodile look like a Dachshund..."
 
Joey
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« Reply #109 on: September 14, 2014, 08:01:29 pm »

Funny one Joey!
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« Reply #110 on: September 15, 2014, 05:25:09 am »

I have a  'Blonde' joke:
 
   A young pretty Blonde walks onto the plane from JFK to LAX, sits down in First, and refuses to go to her seat in Coach.
      The stewardess says,"Miss, your seat is in Coach!"
She replies, "I'm young pretty and Blonde and I'm staying in First!".
      The purser is called.  He says,"Miss, your seat is in Coach!"
She again replies, "I'm young pretty and Blonde and I'm staying in First!".
      The pilot comes on board. He says,"I was married to a Blonde for 5 years. I'll take care of it."
He whispers in the Blonde's ear, and she gets up in a panic, grabs her stuff, and runs to Coach.
     They ask him, "What did you say to her?"
His reply: " I told her that on this flight, First wasn't going to LAX!"
 

Joey
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« Reply #111 on: September 15, 2014, 07:18:30 pm »

Top jokes guys!  Grin Another one for you..

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello..
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher.  Kiss

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« Reply #112 on: September 15, 2014, 07:33:30 pm »

Hey  Brenda

Now  THAT's a good  one ! Cheesy

Cheers
Peter

Repartee

A man   is  sitting  on a  train  reading  his  newspaper and  opposite  is a  punk- rocker  with his   hair   all  stuck  up  in different  directions  like  a  porcupine  and  dyed  in  every color  of the  rainbow.

The  man  keeps  taking  surreptitious  glances   at the  punk  from behind  his  newspaper.

Eventually the  punk  becomes   aware   that the  man opposite  is   staring  at  him and  so  he   blurts  out:

" Hey  mate,  what the    f**k  are  you  thinking, what with   eyeballing me  and  all like  that ?!"

The man  says  (he   was a  Pom  so he  was  very  polite):

"Oh, I'm awfully , terribly   sorry .  It's  just that  20 years  ago  I  had an affair  with a  parrot  and  I was   wondering if you  are my son"

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« Reply #113 on: September 15, 2014, 07:40:26 pm »

Great one, Brenda!

  Here's one of my late mom's favourite 'Blonde' jokes (She was Blonde):
  
    A gorgeous young Blonde drives up to a big NYC Bank in a fresh new, just off the lot Rolls Royce.
The doorman watches it for her while she goes in, carrying her Gucci purse.

   She goes to the Loan Officer, presents the papers and keys to the Rolls, and says,"I'd like a loan for US$5,000 for two weeks, and to leave my new Rolls as collateral. I'm off to LA".  Checking her info, he discovers that, not only is the Rolls hers, but she has a net worth of US$124 million, with $37 million right in that bank!

    The Loan Officer tells her, "Ma'am, that's fine." She asks him the cost of the loan, and where her car will be stored. She's told that the cost is US$14.35 for US$5,000 for 2 weeks, and that they have a safe storage for the car.  That's fine; she takes the 5 grand and goes off.

     For 2 weeks, everyone jokes about the ditzy Blonde who uses a brand new US$300K Rolls as collateral on a US$5K loan to cover US$5,014.35!

     At the end of the period, she returns and hands over the sum of US$5,014.35, and retrieves her keys and papers. As she's about to leave, the Loan Officer can't help asking a question. "Ma'am, I know you have a net worth of US$124 million, and of that, US$37 million is lodged with this Bank. why would you need a loan of US$5K for two weeks, and use a spanking new  US$300K Rolls Royce as collateral?"

    her reply?
   " I didn't need it, but do you know where else in NYC that I could have stored my new US$300K Rolls safely for two weeks for a total cost of US$14.35 ?"  Grin

Joey
  
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« Reply #114 on: September 15, 2014, 07:41:53 pm »

Funny one, Peter!

    Joey
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« Reply #115 on: September 15, 2014, 08:24:02 pm »

Smarter than she looked.. thanks Peter!
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« Reply #116 on: September 18, 2014, 04:43:44 pm »

JEWISH AMERICAN MOTHER

   The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'

   'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send a limousine which will pick you up at your door and deliver you to Air Force One  which will fly you right here.'
 
   'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'
Susan replies, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.'
 
   'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'
 
   So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.
   In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor'.


ITALIAN AMERICAN MOTHER

   Johnny excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'
The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '

'That's amazing, Mama. You're correct. How did you know? '
Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'

Best,
  Joey
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« Reply #117 on: September 18, 2014, 10:51:47 pm »

Joey,

Good ones !

Inn Bok
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« Reply #118 on: September 18, 2014, 11:02:37 pm »

Very funny Joey!
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« Reply #119 on: September 19, 2014, 02:55:53 am »

This was a real personal experience during my student days in the UK ( the Scottish referendum show that it is still ' United ', I think ! ) way back in the early 70's. It was some kind of cultural ignorance for three of us Asian guys who decided to join a budget tour of 5 European cities.

The evening we checked into the Parisian hotel , one of my friends rushed urgently into the attached bathroom.
A few minutes later, he came out calling for help, " Guys, the water would not flush off my pooh!! ".
The remaining two of us went in. Indeed the poo remained there. But strange though, it was not in the toilet bowl.
Guess what ? My friend poohed on the bidet ! So we have to do the job of tranferring......
We Asians dont use bidet ......

Inn Bok
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