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Joke -a - Day

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Joey Silver / Si Zhouyi 義周司
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« Reply #60 on: August 31, 2014, 12:47:34 pm »

Very good, Richard! Great punchline.
Joey
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« Reply #61 on: September 01, 2014, 01:03:57 am »

The only way to start the new month....

The Chauffeur

After getting Pope John Paul’s entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my licence," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who've you got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "Well, he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
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« Reply #62 on: September 01, 2014, 01:30:38 am »

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

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« Reply #63 on: September 01, 2014, 01:43:27 am »

Great one Richard!
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« Reply #64 on: September 01, 2014, 03:18:50 am »

Hahaha! Richard that was really funny. Made me laugh out loud in the office Tongue

YT
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« Reply #65 on: September 01, 2014, 04:20:40 am »

Hey  Tom

That  one  about the  pope  is a  classic

First  time  I heard  it   was  over a  hot- pot  dinner,  told  by   German   expert  joke-teller  who ( assisted  by the   food and   vast  amount of beer  we  had  been  drinking)   span it  out to over  20 minutes before  he  got to the  punch  line

 Grin Grin Grin Grin

Cheers
Peter

PS:   George  -  it  suddenly occurs  to me that    these  jokes-a -day  are  filling  up  non-bottle-related  space  in the   Forum  server, for  which  you  are paying  personally.  Are they  really taking  up a lot  of  space, because  if  so  we  stop  the  joke-a-day ,  fun though it is  Cheesy

PPS : ALL

Hello   new guys   to  the  Forum  :  Although  it's  called Forum-for -Free "smfforfree"   George  does  have to  pay  out of his own pocket   once  we  run up  a  certain  level of  total  correspondence   in the   server (especially  pics  - which  is  why the  max  pic  size  is   limited  to  about  270 KB for  economy  :   dozens  of  MB  pics would  blow  the  roof  off )

Also  to keep  banner  and  pop-up  adverts  off the  Forum  George  has to  pay  even more  extra .

We  are  talking of  - maybe  -  US$100  / month ? Certainly  many   tens  of  US$ 
 ( I am  never  sure  because  George   does  not   divulge  that  stuff )

So  if and  when  you  have a  few  bucks  spare  (and/or  when you  buy a  really good  bottle  at a  bargain basement  price ! )   please think of  George  and    Paypal   something  to him.

If you   message  him privately  he  will tell  you his  Paypal  address.  All donations  are  confidential and  are NEVER published.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2014, 10:40:13 am by Peter Bentley 彭达理 » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #66 on: September 01, 2014, 05:20:14 am »

Dear Tom & Richard,
   BRILLIANT jokes!
Best,
 Joey
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« Reply #67 on: September 01, 2014, 11:43:06 pm »

**Barbie**

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers  that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

 Work-out Barbie for $19.95
 Shopping Barbie for $19.95
 Beach Barbie for $19.95
 Disco Barbie for $19.95
 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"
 
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
 
The salesperson looks slightly irritated by such a stupid question : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

 - Ken's Car,
 - Ken's House,
 - Ken's Boat,
 - Ken's Furniture,
 - Ken's Computer and...
 
 - one of Ken's Friends."   Smiley
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« Reply #68 on: September 02, 2014, 01:25:18 am »

Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.
The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"
When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.
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« Reply #69 on: September 02, 2014, 04:05:34 am »

A Communist, a Christian, a Moslem and a Jew were playing poker for money in a Soviet Army barracks, even though gambling is forbidden and punishable by execution.
They are caught.
The Judge says to the Communist: "Comrade Communist, you are accused of gambling! How do you plead?"   
He answers: "Comrade Judge, I swear by Lenin that I wasn't!"
The judge finds him not guilty.
The Judge says to the Christian: "Comrade Christian, you are accused of gambling! How do you
 plead?"   
He answers: "Comrade Judge, I swear by Jesus that I wasn't!"
The judge finds him not guilty, too.
The Judge says to the Moslem: "Comrade Moslem, you are accused of gambling! How do you plead?"   
He answers: "Comrade Judge, I swear by the Quran that I wasn't!"
The judge finds him not guilty also.
The Judge says to the Jew: "Comrade Jew, you are accused of gambling! How do you plead?"   
He answers: "Comrade Judge, with whom was I meant to be gambling?!"
And the judge finds him not guilty, as well.

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« Reply #70 on: September 02, 2014, 07:54:13 am »

Dear Tom, that joke about the Pope and the chauffeur remembered me the following.
During the years that I lived in Brazil I had a great fun in reading the writings of a locally famous humorist - essayist - philosopher – writer, Millor Fernandes. In particular, I had great fun with one of his books, “Fabulous tales”, made by short funny stories, all them ending with a Moral.
So the son of the Caliph reached the age for the succession to his father. Before to do so, he must submit himself to the ceremony of Judgment of the Ten Sages, who will undertake the necessary examinations to test his suitability for the role of Caliph.
On the Great Day, the future Caliph dresses his ceremonial vestments and with his Rolls Royce orders the driver to take him to the Grand Mosque. During the journey two wings of crowd greet the future Caliph. The driver, who has with him a confidential relation, says: "See Caliph, people looks only to the appearances. They judge only according to your sumptuous look and reveres you regardless of your quality."
The future Caliph replied: "You mean that if I were sitting at your place with your clothes and you in my place with my clothes people would have the same reverence for you?". "Certainly," replied the driver. "Then stop" commands the future Caliph and once they got out of the car the two exchange clothes and place. Once they get to the Grand Mosque, the driver / Caliph is seated in the center of the circle formed by the Ten Wise Men, who make the first question: "Who we are, where we come from, where are we going?". On hearing this, the real caliph smiling under his mustache, while the driver remains silent for a moment. Then, with a serious air, says: "Honorable Sages, I have prepared myself a lot for your judgment, I studied long and frankly I expected much deeper questions than what I had, a question that with all sincerity can even be answered by my driver. Driver, come here and answer the Sages. "
Moral: It’s not the gay coat that makes the gentleman, but the coat plus a certain malice, yes.
Giovanni
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« Reply #71 on: September 02, 2014, 09:11:18 am »

Hi All

Some  really   deep  jokes  are  surfacing  !

I  just loved the    centipede  one  !  Putting his  shoes  on  Grin

OK,  one  of  my  favorites:

_______________

Three  doctors,  all  professional  surgeons,  but three different    generations  and   used to   war-related  injuries, were   drinking  at the  bar  and  discussing their  biggest   cases

The  oldest,  a  WW 1 veteran   said  : 

"I had  a  man  who  was  blown  up  by a  mortar  shell in  WW1  -  all that was  left  was  his legs,  but  I  stitched  him back together  and  he  went  on  to  win the   100m    hurdles  at the  Berlin  Olympics "

Amazing !

The  next  oldest, a  WW 2  veteran  said :

"I had   a  man   who  was  blown  up  by a  mortar  shell   in  WW2  - all that was  left  was  his arms  but I  stitched  him up and  he  went on to   win the   weight lifting  at the  Seoul   Olympics"

Amazing !!

The  youngest, a  Vietnam  war  veteran,  said :

"I also    had a  man  who was  blown  up  by a  mortar  in Vietnam.  All that was  left  was  his  ass-hole,  but  I  stitched  him  up   OK  and  he  continued  to  function as  normal"

The other   doctors  asked 

"So....  what  happened to him  later ?"

The  doctor  said:

"Sadly ,   very  sadly ,   he  went  on to become the  President of the USA - his name  was  Bush "

 
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« Reply #72 on: September 02, 2014, 08:26:47 pm »

Richard, Joey, Giovanni, Peter,

Loved them all! I can see definite sub-categories emerging, so we may soon need separate threads for:

1. Silly jokes (like the centipede)
2. Clever jokes (like the Jewish "smart answer" type)
3. Deep jokes with a moral (like the Caliph & driver)
4. And the downright crude, sexist, racist, shallow jokes (all the rest!)

Keep 'em rolling...   Grin
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« Reply #73 on: September 03, 2014, 01:17:47 am »

While we are on the subject of US presidents....

George Bush and the Riddle

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.
Who was this child ?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
 
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"
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« Reply #74 on: September 03, 2014, 03:29:42 am »

Dear Tom,
    Canadians tell that joke about Brian Mulrooney, a former PM of Canada...
Meanwhile, a true story:
A U.S. President was in Austria,  said a trite phrase in English, and then asked,"How do you say that in Austrian?", not realising that Austrians speak German.
Was it:
A. George W. Bush
B. Ronald Reagan
C. Barak Hussein Obama

 If you guessed C., you were correct. If you guessed that NO Western News reported it but FOX, you were also correct.
Best,
Joey


While we are on the subject of US presidents....

George Bush and the Riddle

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.
Who was this child ?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
 
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

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« Reply #75 on: September 03, 2014, 03:36:45 am »

These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their past hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door" he yelled.
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".
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« Reply #76 on: September 03, 2014, 03:47:16 am »

    In June 2000, Bill Clinton was at Camp David, hosting Ehud Barak, PM of Israel, and Yasser Arafat al-Husseini, 'Chairman' of the 'Palestinian Authority'. They were to deal with issues surrounding Jerusalem, and whether it would stay wholly under Israeli rule, as it has been the last 47 years, and was till 1948; or whether it should be divided, as it was from 1948 to 1967.
    Mr. Barak says,"Gentlemen, before we start negotiations over Jerusalem, I would like to tell a small story about Jerusalem's history. Thousands of years ago, when the Second Temple stood on the Temple Mount, where the Dome of the Rock now stands, there was a ceremony on Yom Kippur, our holiest day.
    The High Priest usually wore Vestments of Gold on Yom Kippur, but at the height of the awe-inspiring day, he would bathe himself in a special room, change into vestments of Pure Linen, and sacrifice 4 animals. 3 bulls, to make atonement first for himself, then for the People of Israel, and third for the 'Seventy Nations' (ie. the people of the whole world); and a goat.
   Then he bathed a second time, changed back into the Vestments of Gold, and finished the rest of the day's observance. Once, 2000 years ago, when the High Priest returned to change into the Vestments of Gold, they'd been stolen! And they were stolen by the Palestinians!"

    At this point, Arafat al-Husseini jumped up and screamed," That's an Israeli lie!! There were no Palestinians in Jerusalem 2000 years ago!"
   At which point, Barak smiled, and replied,"Now we can start with negotiations over Jerusalem's Future, since we agree over Jerusalem's Past!"
Sadly, just a joke...

Joey
  
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« Reply #77 on: September 03, 2014, 07:56:55 am »

Personally, I'd save a great US President from drowning.

Now, if it was an asshole from the EU....
hard call between colour and B & W. Black and White is more 'historical looking'.
If it was all the EU leaders, no question. Black and White!
Joey


I have  two  favorite  Bush  jokes

Here's the   1st one :

___________

I'm  going to tell  you  a  make believe"   story  and   then  suddenly ask you  a   surprise   question at the  very  end   which you  must  answer  INSTANTLY !

Here  goes....

Imagine that  you  are  a  world-famous  news  photographer,  sort  of  "Pulitzer  Prize"   level   as  news  photographs    go  ...

You were   there  in Vietnam,  Iraq,  Bosnia,  Lybia  and  now  today   Syria ...   snapping every   famous  - and often   terrible -  things  happening

Suddenly  a  hurricane  hits  Florida

But  this  is  far  worse  than  Katrina :  100 x  worse.

Millions  dead,  tens  of  millions  homeless....

Bush  has  rushed to the  scene  of  disaster  (of course  days  too  late to make  any difference)   and  just held a  press  conference  up-river   from a  supposedly safe  place.

You  have  just been  landed  by  helicopter   onto   a  little  hill  down river   in the  middle  of a  raging   flood  of   water,  debris,  dead  and  struggling  survivors   all   sweeping past  in  the   rushing  floods....

You have  only a  few minutes  before the   hill itself  is  washed  away   and the   helicopter  comes  back to  pick you  up...

You see  a  man clinging  to a  broken  tree  coming  down  with the  flood ...

Suddenly  you   realize  that's   actually  President  Bush  himself,   washed  into the  flood   from his  collapsed   VIP  press  stand  up-river  ! 

If  you  are   quick  you  can  drop  your  camera, run down to the  bottom  of the  little  hill and   rescue  Bush   as  his   broken  tree   comes  by,   OR  you can  stand safely   at the  top  of the  little  hill and  take  an  epic   award - winning photograph  of  Bush  being   washed  away  in the   flood  to  his death.

So now the   question:

Answer  immediately !

Do  you   decide to  use   color  film  or   just  plain black & white   film ?

________

 Grin
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« Reply #78 on: September 03, 2014, 08:55:41 am »

Joey,

You totally  missed  the  punch line !

That's where   Israel and   USA  / UK   senses  of  humor   seem  to  differ  !

Same  effect  when I   tried  the  joke  on   Chinese   friends .  No go !

 Grin

Cheers

Peter

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« Reply #79 on: September 03, 2014, 12:10:40 pm »

Yup, Peter.
   Re-read what I wrote.
Joey


Joey,

You totally  missed  the  punch line !

That's where   Israel and   USA  / UK   senses  of  humor   seem  to  differ  !

Same  effect  when I   tried  the  joke  on   Chinese   friends .  No go !

 Grin

Cheers

Peter


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