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March 28, 2024, 04:05:46 am
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Joke -a - Day

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Peter Bentley 彭达理
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« Reply #40 on: August 27, 2014, 07:17:02 am »

Hi  Brenda

This  is  going  TOO  far  !

Talking  of    talking  dogs ....

__________________

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale  :  $10 "

 He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
 
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.
 
"So, what's your story?"
 
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I  wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no  time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered  some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars." 

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the  owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him  for  only  $10 ?"

The owner replies, "Because he's such a  darn liar."

 Grin

Cheers

Peter

PS  :  Still have  few  parrot  jokes  up my sleeve,  but  you  changed the   subject.....

PS : Care  to   exchange   family  pics   etc  ?    I   have  a cousin  deep  down   under .   
I think  you  can  find  my  email  address  on the   Forum  registry. If  not I  will  send  you  by  private  message 
(Warning  :  NEVER  post  your    true  email   address  en  claire  on the  Forum  :   next thing  you  know  is   thousands  of   Nigerian  scam  letters,  or  fake   Viagra,  or   "you've  just  won the  European lottery" ....)

 
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« Reply #41 on: August 27, 2014, 06:24:08 pm »

Joey Joey Joey,..........Australia is green.....its just a different shade of green....sort of brownish yellow....and we have hot guys....real bronze Aussies...they all live at Bondi! Cheesy ....and who could have more elegance and class than ( shudder) Dame Edna. So we have a few snakes, crocodiles and sharks....we just learn to ignore them and leave them for the tourists! Grin
Cheers, Brenda


* 309943_518288588211063_1887426548_n.jpg (53.41 KB, 620x400 - viewed 20 times.)
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seadancer1
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« Reply #42 on: August 27, 2014, 06:44:11 pm »

Here's an Aussie one for you Peter. Grin

An Aussie and a little man were sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor."That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking
him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings."

and another

Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."



 

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richy88
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« Reply #43 on: August 27, 2014, 08:52:30 pm »

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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Richard from sunny Singapore
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« Reply #44 on: August 28, 2014, 12:35:34 am »

It's time for something a little more philosophical...

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let
me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
 
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you
a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be
barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God
agreed.(sigh).
 
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And
again, God agreed.
 
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said,
"What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back,and the
ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
 
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy,
and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and
bark at everybody.
 
Life has now been explained.
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seadancer1
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« Reply #45 on: August 28, 2014, 02:12:24 am »

 Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy  I'll pay that one Tom.
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Fiveroosters aka clayandbrush
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« Reply #46 on: August 28, 2014, 02:57:38 am »

Dear Richard,
I adore these silly jokes like that of the penguins.
About the jokes on witless people, like the carabineers, I already said that in Brazil they have such jokes on Portuguese, having them been a Portuguese colony.
A Portuguese has to travel to Germany for business but he is worried because he doesn’t speak German.
A colleague of him tells him: “Do not worry, once there, you have to speak very slowly and you will see that you will understand each other.”
So he goes to Germany and upon arrival he takes a taxi at the airport’ exit. He says to the taxi driver: “IIIII  aaaam  ppooortuuuughuuueeeeseee  aaand  IIIII  woooouuuld  liiike  too  goooo  toooo  theeee  hoooteeel”.
The taxi driver replies: “IIII  too  aaaamm  poooortuuuuguuuueeeeseeee,  IIII aaaamm  liiiiviiinng  heeereeee  iiin  Geeermmmmaaannnyyyy  siiinnceeee  teeeeenn  yyeeeeaaaarss”.
Then the passenger say: “Vveeeryy  gooood.  Theeen leeet’ss  sstooop  toooo  speeeaaak  Geerman!”.
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Wattana
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« Reply #47 on: August 28, 2014, 04:00:24 am »

This is similar to Giovanni's one about the carabineers... 

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.


"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"


The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No... not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

 Cool
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Joey Silver / Si Zhouyi 義周司
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« Reply #48 on: August 28, 2014, 08:50:36 am »

Dear Brenda,
   I got the first one; but not the second one.
Joey

Here's an Aussie one for you Peter. Grin

An Aussie and a little man were sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor."That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking
him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings."

and another

Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."



 


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Joey Silver (Si Zhouyi 義周司), collecting snuff bottles since Feb.1970

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« Reply #49 on: August 28, 2014, 08:51:34 am »

VERY GOOD, Richard!  Grin
Joey


A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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Joey Silver (Si Zhouyi 義周司), collecting snuff bottles since Feb.1970

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« Reply #50 on: August 28, 2014, 09:00:24 am »

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are sitting in the same bar, drinking. After 2 or 3 drinks, the Jewish man gets up and punches the Chinese man  in the face.
  The Chinese man says,"What's that for?!"
"That's for Pearl Harbour!"
"That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese or Japanese, what's the difference?"
After a few more drinks, the Chinese man gets up and punches the Jewish man in the face.
"What was that for?!"
"That's for the Titanic!" comes the reply.
"The Titanic?! That was an Iceberg! I'm a Goldberg!"
"Iceberg or Goldberg, what's the difference!"  Grin
Joey
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« Reply #51 on: August 28, 2014, 09:19:12 am »

  A cousin of mine, who is a professor and head of the dept. of Jewish Studies at U. of Maryland College Park, was doing research at the Vatican, in their library, which is famous for it's collection of Jewish Books (stolen from us, of course!).

  In the margin on a copy of the Talmud from Poland in the late 17th C., he found someone had written a joke, which he told us (He was visiting Israel at the time):
  Reb Haim was taking his 17 yr.old daughter Shayndl in the family carriage from Krakow to Minsk to be betrothed. She had her dowry, a large bag of gems.
  The carriage is stopped by thieves in the forest. As the carriage is being driven away by the thieves, Shayndl says, "Papa, I couldn't let them take my dowry! After all, what's a good Jewish girl to do without her dowry? So I hid it in my vagina!"
 Reb Haim turns, and says " A pity we didn't have your aunt Luba with us! We could have hidden the carriage..."
 
  Half an hour after my cousin Bernie told us this joke, a dear friend, the late Fr. Godfrey Koetzli of blessed memory, came to tea at my mom's.
  He told us this joke:
  Queen Elizabeth II was being driven in the Royal Rolls Royce with the late Princess Diana through the New Forest. It was stopped by robbers.
  As they watch the Rolls being driven off, Diana says,"Mum, I couldn't let them take my engagement ring from Charles! So I hid it in my vagina!"
  The Queen says,"What's a queen without her tiara?! So I hid it in my vagina!" Then she looks away, and says, " A pity we didn't have Margaret with us; we could have saved the Rolls!"
Joey

 
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« Reply #52 on: August 28, 2014, 05:49:21 pm »

Bruce and Sheila are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only Sheila and her eight anklebiters are able to fit in the bus. So Bruce and the blind man decide to walk. After a while Bruce gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking !!!!
Cheers Brenda Grin

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« Reply #53 on: August 28, 2014, 08:10:34 pm »

Little Johnny and a friend were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. “What’s it for?’ his friend asked. “I don’t know,” little Johnny replied. “I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad.”
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Richard from sunny Singapore
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« Reply #54 on: August 28, 2014, 11:11:41 pm »

Dear Brenda and Richard,
    Both jokes are very good.   Grin
Joey
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« Reply #55 on: August 29, 2014, 02:46:14 am »

The penguins joke and the one about the blind man at the bus stop are my favourites for this week, and ALL the Jewish ones (but keep 'em rolling - the week's not over yet!).    Cool

Tom
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wgeoff
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« Reply #56 on: August 29, 2014, 05:31:35 am »

Rules of our house.

Rule Number One. The lady of the house is always right.

Rule Number Two. When the lady of the house is wrong, consult Rule Number One.

Geoff

PS This is not a joke.
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« Reply #57 on: August 29, 2014, 05:41:14 am »

Dear Geoff,

Hahahaha!
That will depend on which lady of which house.

Cheers,
YT

PS: I am only joking  Tongue Grin  'before my lady of my house pull my ear off'
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« Reply #58 on: August 29, 2014, 05:59:11 am »

Ah YT, I did say our house.

And there's certainly only one lady allowed here.
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« Reply #59 on: August 31, 2014, 01:23:29 am »

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
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Richard from sunny Singapore
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