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Chinese Snuff Bottle Discussion Forum 中國鼻煙壺討論論壇
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Joke -a - Day

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Author Topic: Joke -a - Day  (Read 2129 times)
richy88
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« Reply #20 on: August 25, 2014, 09:57:52 pm »

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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Richard from sunny Singapore
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« Reply #21 on: August 25, 2014, 11:58:03 pm »

Richard,

We will soon have to open a section especially for "Parrot Jokes" !!

Tom
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Tom
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« Reply #22 on: August 26, 2014, 12:00:26 am »

Hi  All   Grin

Seems   the  joke- a - day  is  a  hit !   Smiley

Let's  keep  all the   jokes  in this  thread  so  we  can  all  enjoy them

SH1T  .... there   goes  my  control-freak  nature   yet  again    Cheesy

__________

Parrots....

 I have  walking   buddy    who  had   such a    vast  amount  of  jokes  that  he  could  conjurer  up  any  joke  on  any  subject  at  a  millisecond   notice

But  one  his  best  was  this  parrot  joke:

A  Man  went  into  a pet   shop  to  buy    pet  parrot

He  chose  a  beautiful  parrot    sitting  on its  perch  and   asked  the  price

The  pet-shop  owner   said   that the  parrot  previously   belonged  to sailor   and  therefore  had   a  very
"nasty/rude'"  vocabulary  

But  the    pet  shop-owner   said  that the  parrot  had   recently   been  "converted"  and    that  henceforth  it's  language   was  "clean"

So the   customer said    to the  parrot  " Say the  rosary  on one  leg"  as   a  test

And  the  parrot   duly  did  it ,   said  the  rosary  ,  on one leg

The  customer  was   duly    surprised    and  paid  the  price  

Then  the   parrot  said:

"Ask  for  the  other  leg  and  I  fall  off the  f ******g  perch !"

 Grin
 
 Cheers

Peter

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« Reply #23 on: August 26, 2014, 12:06:06 am »

Hi  Tom

Hopefully   ...   few  jokes   like thi   will  keep  us  off  the    china   c ensor   list  for  a  while

Sort  of   diluting  the   serious   stuff

BTW   It  must  be  time   for  a  whip  round  for  George

Time  for  Payapl

Cheers

Peter
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Wattana
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« Reply #24 on: August 26, 2014, 12:18:28 am »

Hi All,

As a matter of policy I think we should stay away from bawdy, lewd, sexist and racist jokes on this Forum, which means I'll be scraping the barrel to contribute any good ones...  Grin   Grin

Tom
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« Reply #25 on: August 26, 2014, 12:27:40 am »

Hi  Tom

Agreed  ...  need  to   scrape the  barrel...

 Grin

Cheers
Peter
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« Reply #26 on: August 26, 2014, 12:48:32 am »

In that case, here is my first contribution....

Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
reviving her husband's libido.  'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'IrishViagra'...

'What is IrishViagra?', she asked.

'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went.'

It wasn't yet a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to her progress.  The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a
twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of
his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare,
I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as
I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
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Tom
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« Reply #27 on: August 26, 2014, 01:13:26 am »

 Grin Grin Grin Grin love it!
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Best Regards

Pat
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« Reply #28 on: August 26, 2014, 02:53:06 am »

That's very fine Tom, haha.
Dear Peter, about parrots without legs, I know one but it is a bit too much "hot".
We have a lot of jokes about "carabineers". Carabineers is a military police Corp that we have in Italy and the common jokes about them is that they are stupid. It is the same like jokes on Belgians in the middle Europe or jokes about Portuguese in Brazil.
So a gentleman take a train for a long trip and find a place in a compartment where there is also another person sit there. After a while, the first gentleman tell to the other one. “Well, it is a long trip, let’s waist time with some joke. Do you like jokes?”. “Oh yes, very much” replay the other one. “I have a fine joke about carabineers” said the first one. “Oh, well… actually… I am a carabineer in civil dress” reply the second one. The first gentleman stay for a while, then he say: “No problem, if you will not understand it, I will explain it to you”.
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« Reply #29 on: August 26, 2014, 03:12:42 am »

Yes Giovanni, it seems that every country has jokes about their less intelligent neighbours (at least presumed less intelligent). In England these jokes are usually about the Irish. A Norwegian friend knows almost exactly the same jokes about the Danish, a Slovakian about the Polish, and so on.

Tom
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« Reply #30 on: August 26, 2014, 07:54:47 am »

:-)
« Last Edit: August 26, 2014, 08:33:03 am by Peter Bentley 彭达理 » Report Spam   Logged

Joey
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« Reply #31 on: August 26, 2014, 04:09:58 pm »

In Israel, we have jokes about Kurdish Jews being thick; Persian Jews being cheapskates ; German Jews as lacking in a sense of humour; Romanian Jews as thieves; and Polish Jews as two faced.
   As examples:

  How do you make a Romanian omelet? First, steal 4 eggs....

 Two Polish Jewish women meet on a Tel Aviv street. One says,"You look great!" The second replies,"I wish I could say the same about you!"
The first answers,"why not? Can't you lie, as I did?!"

  A German Jew in Tel Aviv is asked how many eggs he can eat on an empty stomach. He says,"Four". The questioner says,"After you eat the first egg, your stomach isn't empty any more".
   The German Jew asks his wife,"Wife, how many eggs can you eat on an empty stomach?"
She answers three. Her husband says,"A pity. If you'd said four, I had a good joke for you!"

Joey
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« Reply #32 on: August 26, 2014, 05:53:11 pm »

Hi  Joey

I  always    told  my  Chinese  friends  that  the  English  have   three  advantages  over  all  other  races

1.  The    weather  is  better  anywhere    than in  England

2. The   food  is   certainly better  anywhere  than in  England

3. We  are  the  only people   in the   world   who  can laugh  at them selves  (because  if  we  don't  laugh  at ourselves  we  would  have  to   cry )

Mmmmmm    seems  I need  to   re-think  point 3 !

 Grin

Cheers

Peter
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« Reply #33 on: August 26, 2014, 06:43:55 pm »

Here ya go!
A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!
Cheers, Brenda  Grin
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« Reply #34 on: August 26, 2014, 07:16:46 pm »

Hey  Brenda

This  is getting  pretty  personal, being a  100%  Pom (  Pommy?  Pommie ??)  Grin

If  you, - as  I assume,  are  a  100%   Aussie  (Aussy? --  anyway   one  of  THEM    that  regularly    defeat  us  Brits   at   a  game   we   devised   ourselves  called   cricket , so  complicated  that  even  we  can't  understand  the  rules, and  so  boring that   you can  turn  the  TV  off   for  several  hours  and  nothing has  changed  in the  meantime )   -  then  I   dare  you  to pick  up  the   challenge  !

1.  Billy   Birmingham's    Twelfth  Man :    the  depth  of  Aussie    culture  ( and  TV  commentary)

2. Kevin  bloody  Wilson's  "double  decker   dog"  -  the   height  of  Aussie   culture

3.  The    Rembrandt   in the   Sidney   Art  Gallery that   has a   kangaroo  in the  background

 Grin    Grin    Grin

And  in case  you  want to mention the  "R"   word,  I'm  an  ardent  Kiwi  fan   so  please  don't  even  THINK of  mentioning    the  "R"    rude  word

Pathetic "Aussie  Rules"  just  for  the   Aussies  -  throwing the  ball  forward  .  Total  BS  !

Cheers and    whatever   Cheesy

Peter

PS:    For other  readers  of  this  Forum   this  may  all  sound  offensive.  It's  meant to  be  so !
But  we   Pom -  Aussies  are  built  to  stand  this  kind of  stuff,  them being  penal  colony   siblings

PPS : Brenda  -  The  other  day  I  flew   SH/ HK  next  to   an  Aussie   :  we  chatted  the   whole   flight,  even  though  we  had  both been  upgraded  to  business  class,  and  the  next  day  I  invited  him to my  home   for  dinner.  Great  guy ! 

 (Must  be  the  exception  that breaks  the  rule ..... Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin )
_______________


PPPS  :  For  other   readers (  and  Chinese   censors)   this  has NOTHING   to  do  with    snuff  bottles  !



« Last Edit: August 26, 2014, 07:36:04 pm by Peter Bentley 彭达理 » Report Spam   Logged

seadancer1
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« Reply #35 on: August 26, 2014, 08:55:24 pm »

Ahhhhhhh......Kiwi land.......where the men are men and the sheep are nervous!  Cheesy
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richy88
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« Reply #36 on: August 26, 2014, 10:18:12 pm »

A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.
One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with fuel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"
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« Reply #37 on: August 26, 2014, 10:29:27 pm »

Hey  Brenda.... 

Now  that's  getting    much  too close  to the  joint !

In  Kiwi - land  we  shear  our  sheep,  not  share them  !

 Grin

Rugby   world   cup   2016 ?

Cheers

Pete   the  Brit

PS :  as  for   parrots  ....

google  "Monty  Python  Dead  Parrot   sketch"   

PPS :  Brenda  -  if  ever  you    stop  by  HK  there's  a  warm welcome  in  the  hillside   for  you    Smiley
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« Reply #38 on: August 27, 2014, 01:26:31 am »

Mate, I'd be lucky to make it to the nearest china town Grin.....but if I won the lottery, I'd come a knockin!

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."

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« Reply #39 on: August 27, 2014, 03:18:42 am »

That's why I LOVE New Zealand! The men are hot, the lamb is tender, and the landscape looks like Ireland! And none of that poisonous stuff like Australia, where it seems that only the 'Neighbours' and Home and Away' casts are hot ( the men, most of them; about the girls I have no idea... Cheesy)
Best,
Joey

Ahhhhhhh......Kiwi land.......where the men are men and the sheep are nervous!  Cheesy
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Joey Silver, collecting snuff bottles since Feb.1970

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