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Chinese Snuff Bottle Discussion Forum 中國鼻煙壺討論論壇
December 18, 2017, 04:47:45 am
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Joke -a - Day

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« Reply #140 on: January 05, 2015, 05:39:50 pm »

You made me laugh dear Tom!
Dear Joey, since you mentioned Gina Lollobrigida you recall me the following, which is not a joke, I read that when I was living in Brazil. In that Country you can hear such incredible personal names, I myself know people named Donizetti (given name, not family name!), Wellington, even Walt Disney, all given names! Well, once there was a reportage on a magazine about this. There was some really funny examples. One of them was a girl which family name was Dos Santos, a common one. His father was a fan of Gina Lollobrigida and Ava Gardner, so the full name of the girl was Ava Gina Dos Santos, which spoken sounds as “A vagina dos santos”, literally from Portuguese “The vagina of the Saints”!
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« Reply #141 on: January 05, 2015, 09:29:21 pm »

Dear Giovanni,
     Excellent! Obviously the Brazilians have a great sense of humour when it comes to naming their children. When working in Hong Kong I came across some odd given names, but they were not trying to be humourous. They were attempting to sound more English. Some of the names I remember: Claridge (after the famous hotel Claridges), Harrod (from Harrods store), Winchester, and the best one....Selfridge.
 
Dear Joey,
     I heard a similar version of the 'pipeline' joke over 40 years ago, and have never heard it again since. Thanks for reminding me of it! In my version the name was Sarah Pippelina, and the headline ran: "Sahara Pipeline Laid by 1,000 Men in 5 Months."

Tom
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« Reply #142 on: January 05, 2015, 10:10:50 pm »

Very funny guys....love this thread but I am not good at telling nor remembering jokes.  Forgive me...
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« Reply #143 on: January 06, 2015, 02:07:21 pm »

Dear Giovanni and Tom,
     We have a funny one in Ramallah. There was a guy named Hilton alBasri, and he wanted to run a Hilton hotel. He built a 7 bedroom motel, and asked the Hilton Corporation to recognise his place as a Hilton. They sued him not to use the name, but he called his place 'the Ramallah Hilton', but was forced to remove the sign etc.
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« Reply #144 on: January 06, 2015, 08:27:34 pm »

Dear Joey,
     That reminds me of the time I was sent to Addis Ababa on a business trip. The client made all the arrangements and put me up at the InterContinental. The hotel was OK, but didn't seem to be quite up to the usual standard. And there wasn't any folder in the room promoting the group's other hotels around the world.     
     It was only on my second day that I was told that the hotel I was staying in had nothing to do with InterContinental hotels. This one was called The Inter-Continental, with a hyphen in the middle! As far as I know, they still operate under that name. 

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« Reply #145 on: January 07, 2015, 12:24:10 am »

Dear Tom,
     If you are ever in Monaghan town, County Monaghan in the Republic of Ireland (which is actually much closer to Belfast than to Dublin), do NOT stay at the Four-seasons Resort-hotel there; same thing.
      Oh, I mixed up the 'Ramallah Hilton' thing: the guy's name was Rasem alBasri; he changed it to Rasem alBasri Hilton, so he could call his fleabag the Ramallah Hilton. I mentioned writing about it to my best friend Khalil, and he corrected me.
Best,
Joey
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« Reply #146 on: January 07, 2015, 02:22:04 am »

Dear Joey and Tom,
in the past I did work for a pharmaceutical Company here in Italy. They was sued by Bayer because they produce a medicine called Espiran. In Italian, we pronunciate Aspirina in very different way than in English, while Espiran in Italian to us sounds similar to Aspirina in English.
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« Reply #147 on: January 07, 2015, 02:48:25 am »


They was sued by Bayer because they produce a medicine called Espiran.


Dear Giovanni,

Bayer also hold the trade patent for a drug called Heroin. Strange, but I never heard of them suing any dope peddlars for using the same name.  Grin

Tom
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« Reply #148 on: January 07, 2015, 09:47:09 am »

Dear Giovanni and Tom,
        Very interesting.
Best,
 Joey
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« Reply #149 on: February 07, 2015, 04:46:30 am »

 I was rereading the thread, and Richard posted this joke, sans the Jewish additions, in Aug.2014!

 In honour of Shabbat, a Jewish Joke:

      Moishe, a Jewish actor is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor Needed To Play An Ape." "I could do that," says Moishe. To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New York.

      Owing to the recent budget cuts and the Great Recession, they can no longer afford to import an ape to replace the deceased one, so, until they can get the money, they'll put an actor in an ape suit instead. Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer.
 
      At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and starts to put on a decent show for all the zoo-goers. Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might while beating on his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.
 
     One day, while Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hands slip and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den.

     Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad!"(Hear Oh Israel, The Lord Our G-D, The Lord Is One), as a good Jew would before he thinks he is going to die.

    The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars: "Baruch Shem Kevod Malchuto LeOlam VaEd"(May The Glorious Majesty of His Name be Blessed For Ever and Ever), the proper response to the 'Shma'.

     From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up you schmucks, or you'll get us all fired !!"   Wink

Shabbat Shalom,
     Joey
 
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« Reply #150 on: February 07, 2015, 08:27:58 am »

Hi All

Although   I thought  we  agreed  to   curtail /  terminate  the  joke-a -day  thread  I  cannot   resist a  repartee  to  this  classic  by  Joey , which  reminded  me  of a  similar  zoo-based  joke.

A Czechoslovakian  tourist  with   his Indian   tour  guide  were touring a   zoo   in Calcutta  .

 They   were   watching  the  lions ,  of  which there  were  two  - a  male  (with a  big  mane)  and  an  female (mane-less)

Suddenly  the Czechoslovakian   tourist   tripped  up  and   fell  into the  lions'  den and    was  immediately   swallowed alive by  one of the  lions.

The   Indian   tour  guide  immediately  called the   zoo  security team and they quickly  came to the   scene  ready to kill  the guilty  lion  and try to  rescue the  tourist  while  he  was  still  alive  in the  lion's   stomach.

"It  was the  male  lion   the  swallowed the   tourist! "  screamed the   tour  guide

So the   zoo  security  team  quickly shot the  male   lion and   cut  open its  stomach.

But the tourist  was not  inside  !

(He  was  inside  the   female  lion  ,  but  by then  he was   long since  dead)

Which  all  goes to  prove :

NEVER  BELIEVE  AN  INDIAN   WHEN HE  SAYS THE   CHECK  IS  IN THE  MAIL

Cheers (apologetically)

Peter


PS:  Tom  -  I just  loved the  MISSISSIPPI  joke ! . 

There's a  similar  one  about  an Italian  asking  for a    "fork"   at a   restaurant   ....  you  can  guess the  rest  ....  but   sadly   I can't  remember the  whole  joke

PPS  :  Found  it    due  to the   marvels  of  Youtube  !  Grin

   

Or  search : " The  Italian  man  who went to  Malta"  on  Youtube  or  Google


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« Reply #151 on: February 07, 2015, 09:02:43 am »


There's a  similar  one  about  an Italian  asking  for a    "fork"   at a   restaurant   ....  you  can  guess the  rest  ....  but   sadly   I can't  remember the  whole  joke


Hi Peter,

I know that one too! It was told to me by two young ladies from a respectable convent school. But I can't possibly post it on a public forum !!   Wink

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« Reply #152 on: February 07, 2015, 09:26:54 am »

Dear Peter,
     I don't remember agreeing to curtail OR terminate this Thread. And which was it? Curtail or Terminate?
And I thought I already told this joke as two men from Prague visiting Everglades National Park in Florida.
I accessed the joke about the Italian on Malta; not very good. But it led me to a video of Russell Peters which was quite good.
Best,
  Shabbat Shalom,
       Joey


Hi All

Although   I thought  we  agreed  to   curtail /  terminate  the  joke-a -day  thread  I  cannot   resist a  repartee  to  this  classic  by  Joey , which  reminded  me  of a  similar  zoo-based  joke.

A Czechoslovakian  tourist  with   his Indian   tour  guide  were touring a   zoo   in Calcutta  .

 They   were   watching  the  lions ,  of  which there  were  two  - a  male  (with a  big  mane)  and  an  female (mane-less)

Suddenly  the Czechoslovakian   tourist   tripped  up  and   fell  into the  lions'  den and    was  immediately   swallowed alive by  one of the  lions.

The   Indian   tour  guide  immediately  called the   zoo  security team and they quickly  came to the   scene  ready to kill  the guilty  lion  and try to  rescue the  tourist  while  he  was  still  alive  in the  lion's   stomach.

"It  was the  male  lion   the  swallowed the   tourist! "  screamed the   tour  guide

So the   zoo  security  team  quickly shot the  male   lion and   cut  open its  stomach.

But the tourist  was not  inside  !

(He  was  inside  the   female  lion  ,  but  by then  he was   long since  dead)

Which  all  goes to  prove :

NEVER  BELIEVE  AN  INDIAN   WHEN HE  SAYS THE   CHECK  IS  IN THE  MAIL

Cheers (apologetically)

Peter


PS:  Tom  -  I just  loved the  MISSISSIPPI  joke ! . 

There's a  similar  one  about  an Italian  asking  for a    "fork"   at a   restaurant   ....  you  can  guess the  rest  ....  but   sadly   I can't  remember the  whole  joke

PPS  :  Found  it    due  to the   marvels  of  Youtube  !  Grin

   

Or  search : " The  Italian  man  who went to  Malta"  on  Youtube  or  Google



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« Reply #153 on: February 07, 2015, 09:33:40 am »

Believe it or not dear Peter, my spoken English is much worst! So you can figure out what the listener could understand;D
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« Reply #154 on: February 07, 2015, 04:03:44 pm »

Dear Giovanni,
     Your spoken English is fine! I'm a witness.
I had a private guide at the Vatican Museums (Musei Vaticani) in Feb.2011, who had a dreadful accent in English. He could have been the model for Peter's joke.

     He was also a dreadful guide. A serious waste of 250 Euros. I had requested a serious tour of all the Homoerotic art in the Vatican Museums, especially the Ignudi in the Sistine Chapel (Michelangelo must have had a great time 'posing' all his muscular models!), and the archaeology, architecture and history of the site, and explained that I was a licenced tour guide in Israel. We are known as serious guides world wide. The guiding I received would have better suited a not too bright 10-12 year old. I got to see a lot of things, but would have done better by myself.

Best,
 Joey



Believe it or not dear Peter, my spoken English is much worst! So you can figure out what the listener could understand;D
Giovanni

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« Reply #155 on: February 08, 2015, 04:47:52 am »

Dear Giovanni & Tom,
    Re-reading this reminded me of a funny thing in Israel. There is a family in Israel, whose name is spelled 'Pines', but pronounced 'Peenehs' (!).
    During WWII and the aftermath leading up to the establishment of the State of Israel in 1948, one of the family was in the USA, trying to garner support for the embattled and threatened Jewish community in what is now Israel. He would be introduced as 'Pines' (like the plural of the tree) and he'd insist loudly in a thick Hebrew accent, that it was 'Peenehs' in Hebrew. This would cause great mirth, but also much embarrassment, to which he seemed oblivious. But he did raise large amounts to help us in a time of great need.  Many people would give more, to 'cover' their feelings of having shamed him, even inadvertently.
   A descendant, Guy Pines, is what passes for an Israeli TV personality, covering TV and movies from overseas; he uses the same 'shtick' in Hollywood. An Israeli with the name 'Peenehs' gets his foot in the door in the USA.
Best,
 Joey



They was sued by Bayer because they produce a medicine called Espiran.


Dear Giovanni,

Bayer also hold the trade patent for a drug called Heroin. Strange, but I never heard of them suing any dope peddlars for using the same name.  Grin

Tom
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« Reply #156 on: February 08, 2015, 09:07:43 am »

A Jew in deathbed calls his loved ones: "Sarah, my wife where are you?". "I'm here, do not worry." "Judith, my daughter, where are you?". "I'm here father, do not get excited." "My son David, where are you?". "Father, I am here." "But then is there nobody down in the shop?".
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« Reply #157 on: February 08, 2015, 03:31:35 pm »

A Jew on his deathbed in Boston, on the night of the worst snowstorm in the city's history, calls out to his wife. "Sarah", he calls, "I'm dying! Please call that Catholic priest, Fr. O'Malley!"
  Sarah says,"Chaim! A Catholic Priest? Why!?" 
Chaim says,"Sarah! Get the priest! I'm dying!"
Sarah says,"But Chaim, Why a priest?!"
Chaim says,"I'm not making a Rabbi go out in this weather!"

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« Reply #158 on: February 08, 2015, 03:37:54 pm »

       A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest play golf on Mondays.
       One Monday, the priest complains that someone stole his umbrella from the church. 
 The Minister says,"Fr. Sean, this Sunday, give a real strong sermon on the 10 Commandments, and then state that someone has stolen your umbrella, and if they don't return it, there will be Hell to pay, literally!"
       The next Monday, Fr. Sean is back playing golf, and has his umbrella back.
The Minister says,"I see it worked!"
        Fr. Sean says, "As I was repeating the Ten Commandmrnts, when I got to 'You Shall Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I'd left my umbrella!"

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« Reply #159 on: February 08, 2015, 04:01:57 pm »

Did you hear  about the guy in NYC who was half Jewish and half Sicilian? If he couldn't buy something wholesale, he'd steal it!

 Or the guy who was half German and half Polish? Hated Jews, but didn't know why.

 Or the guy who was half Polish and half Jewish? He was a janitor, but he owned the building!

 
Joey
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