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Joke -a - Day

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Author Topic: Joke -a - Day  (Read 2144 times)
Peter Bentley 彭达理
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« on: August 24, 2014, 03:17:43 am »

Hi  Folks

The  internet  access  speed   to the  Forum  today  (Sunday)   suddenly   speeded  up   so  I  was  able to  browse the  Forum at   comparative  leisure (meaning  that  it  took  only   a   couple  of  minutes   to  open  a  page / message  instead  of  10 -20  minutes  from here  in China / Wenzhou ! )

I guess  the  Chinese  censors must  all be   Jewish  and  observing  the   Sabbath -  Chinese  style (date)    Grin

Then  I  discovered a gold-mine  of  jokes  buried   deep  inside  an  obscure thread  under   an    even  more  obscure  category   "Rock, ....  I  forget  what  in between  (other  materials?) ...   Fossils "  !

HEY !  That's  not    cricket !    Grin

That's  like burying  jokes  deep  inside my ( very seriously  intended )   latest   thread  which  will  be  the:  "3rd  Precursor  to the  2nd  Generation  of  the  Pre - ( class  IV) pre - Very  Modern  Inside-Painted  Bottle  Period"  !

 Grin   Grin  Grin

So let's  start a  Joke- a - Day  category  in the  Lounge  to  lighten  us  up !
 Then  we can all share  Cheesy

I  kick  off  with  my  favorite:

______________________

There  was  a  very  pious  San  Fransisco  priest  who  for  his  whole  life  had  observed  the  Lord's  commands,  looked  after  his  flock,  and  his  only  occasional  "fling"  was  a  round  of  golf  at  which  he was  par  94.

Suddenly  the  Lord  appeared  to  him  in  a  vision !

"My  son  -  you  have  been  dutiful  all  your  life   and  never  once   asked  Me  for  anything
Now  I  grant  you   the  Wish Of  Your  Life  without  any  restrictions "

The  pious  priest  thought  a while   and  then  said :

"Lord : I  love  golf  but  my  handicap is  still 94.   I  would  also  love  to see  Hawaii  where  I hear  there  are  beautiful   golf  courses  and  excellent  golf   tutors. But  I am  afraid  of  flying  and  I get  sea-sick  after  an  hour  on   any  boat. So  is there  anyway  you  could  build a  bridge  to  Hawaii  so I can  drive there?"

The  Lord  replied:

"My son :  do  you   realize  how  far  it  is  from  SF  to  Hawai  ?  Thousands  of  miles !  It's  not   like SF Bay  where a  simple   suspension bridge  suffices (I  can do that  at the  flick  of  My hand)  Think  what  would  be  the  cost  to  build  a  bridge  thousands  of  miles  all the  way there,  what  with  deep  sea  piling  in the  deepest  parts  of the  Pacific  Ocean  - the   engineering  costs  ....  the  everything !  This  would  cost  more  that the   GDP  of the whole   world  for many  generations !"

"Do  you  have a  slightly  lesser  request ? "

The  pious  priest  thought  a  while  and  replied:

"Lord,  please  forgive  me  for  asking  such  an  outrageous  thing. I  thought  Hawaii  was  just the  other  side  of  the   SF  Bay,  and  actually  golf  is  really  nothing to  me  just a   silly  hobby.

But there's  one thing  I have  never  been  able  to  do when I  counsel  married  couples  and  talk to my wife :  I can  never  understand  the  women's  point  of  view. 

So instead  of  my  very   selfish  request  to be  able  to   drive to  Hawaii  to play a  silly  game  of  golf,  please  would  you  grant  me, as a  man,  the  simple  ability to  understand  women ? "

The  Lord   thought  a long   while  and then  said:

"Now my  son : about that   bridge to  Hawaii: do  you  want  3  or 4  lanes  each  way ? "

 Cheesy   Cheesy   Cheesy  Grin  Grin  Grin


« Last Edit: August 24, 2014, 03:24:09 am by Peter Bentley 彭达理 » Report Spam   Logged

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YT
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« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2014, 05:10:47 am »

"Now my  son : about that   bridge to  Hawaii: do  you  want  3  or 4  lanes  each  way ? "

 Cheesy   Cheesy   Cheesy  Grin  Grin  Grin




Hahahaha!! Not enough lanes for all the men who don't understand women  Grin Grin
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« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2014, 05:41:27 am »

Dear YT, I have already noted many times that you have a strong sense of humor!
Dear Peter, your joke recall me the following image.
Giovanni


* how-to-understand-women.png (142.11 KB, 519x416 - viewed 30 times.)
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Pat - 查尚杰
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« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2014, 06:06:09 am »

Too funny... and true!
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Best Regards

Pat
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« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2014, 07:54:14 am »

Dear Peter,
    Funny! Though in the version I heard, it was the Angel Gabriel, sent by G-D...

   Here is one of my late mom's favourite jokes. I'm not sure I've told it before, and it's better with a Yiddish accent in parts:
   
    Larry King is hosting Col. Neil Armstrong on Larry King Live, in honour of 30 years since the moon landing.
LK: "What a great statement! One small step for a man; one giant leap for Mankind!"
NA: "I'm sorry, but that's not what I said."
LK: "But tens of millions heard you!"
NA: "No. I said "One small step for a man; one giant leap for Manny Klein!"

LK: "Who is Manny Klein?"
NA: "Manny Klein was my Jewish tailor from NYC. 15 years before the moon landing, I was having a suit made. Manny looked depressed. I asked him, "Manny, what's wrong?"
He replied,"Capt. Armstrong (I was a Captain then), I am having problems with my wife Rosie! I said to her, "Rosie (I said), we are having problems with our sex life, and we need to try some new things!" She asked me, "What new things, Manny?" I said,"We should try Oral Sex, maybe Anal Sex?"
  She said," You want Oral?! You want Anal?! When a man walks on the moon, you'll get Oral and Anal!!!"

Joey
 
   
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Joey Silver, collecting snuff bottles since Feb.1970

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« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2014, 07:59:12 am »

This is transferred from the other Thread:

We have a joke:
  A man asks G-D, " Is it true that a penny to YOU is like a billion dollars to us, and a moment to YOU is like a billion years to us?"
G-D Says, "Yes". The man says, "Lord, Please Give me a penny." G-D Replies, "In a moment."   Grin

Joey
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Joey Silver, collecting snuff bottles since Feb.1970

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« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2014, 08:01:46 am »

And here's another one:


We have a joke, that an Alien lands in Chicago. He has 3 legs, 4 arms, no nose, 2 antennae, and a round black thing on his head.
He meets a local man, who proceeds to ask him about his species.
"Do all of your species have 3 legs?"  "Yes", is the answer.
"Do all of your species have 4 arms?" Again, yes.
"Do all have no nose?"  Again, yes.
"Do all have 2 antennae?" Yet again, yes.
"Do all have that round black thing on their heads?" "No! Only the Jews."   Grin

Joey
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Joey Silver, collecting snuff bottles since Feb.1970

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« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2014, 09:59:44 am »

One for the day:

John was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”  Grin
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Richard from sunny Singapore
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« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2014, 11:36:27 am »

This is for Joey:
A man needs to pee and finds a public urinal in the street. Comes in, find a place among other people who are doing their needs and begins to pee. Suddenly the man on his left side says: “you are Jew!” “Yes, replied the gentleman”. And the other: “you are Jew and you are circumcised.” “Well, yes, as almost all the Jews.” he answer. And again the other one: “you are Jew, circumcised, and was circumcised in Jerusalem by Rabbi Hadas.” The man, very surprised, says: “it is true, but how do you know that?” “Because he was left-handed and you are urinating on my right shoe.”
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« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2014, 12:15:11 pm »

Good ones, Richard and Giovanni!

Giovanni, where did you hear that one?! I thought only Jews knew that joke.
With us, it takes place in Grand Central Station in NYC.
Two men are at the urinal, and one says to the other:
"You are from Minneapolis, and go to Temple Israel, don't you?"
The answer: "That's amazing! Yes! How did you know?"
"And Rabbi Goldstein was your 'mohel' (Jewish ritual circumciser), right?" 
"Yes! That is unbelievable! Are you a psychic?"
"No, Rabbi G cuts on the bias and you are pishing on my shoe!"

Joey
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« Reply #10 on: August 24, 2014, 02:22:21 pm »

Dear Joey,
World is small. It must be a famous one, you won’t believe that I have that joke on an LP vinyl record. It is the record of a show of the Brazilian singer/comic/showman who was famous in the seventies, Juca Chaves. On the same record there are another funny one, about the men from Sicily.
Sicilian men are famous for being extremely jealous. When have to marry, the night before the ceremony the Sicilian man paint his penis with green paint, then show it to the future wife. If her reaction is: “green?Huh?” then he do not marry any more. Grin Grin
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« Reply #11 on: August 24, 2014, 03:52:01 pm »



We have a joke,that Mr. Schwartz has a humongous penis, over 35 cm long, and very thick.
When he dies, Mr. Goldberg, the undertaker, can't bear to bury it, so he cuts it off erect, and treats it to preserve it. He brings it home to his wife to show her.
When she sees it, she screams,"No! Schwartz is dead?! Oh G-D!", and then faints.  Grin Grin

By the way, Giovanni ALL male Jews are circumcised. The only ones who might not be, are those born in the Soviet Union when it was illegal; and those who didn't know they were Jewish.  Wink
Best,
 Joey
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Joey Silver, collecting snuff bottles since Feb.1970

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« Reply #12 on: August 24, 2014, 07:30:49 pm »

Well guys, heres one for you Grin
Cheers, Brenda

Wedding Tombstones
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last
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« Reply #13 on: August 24, 2014, 11:09:47 pm »

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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Richard from sunny Singapore
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« Reply #14 on: August 25, 2014, 12:36:44 am »

Dear Brenda & Richard,
   Wonderful jokes!  Grin Grin Cheesy
Best,
 Joey

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Joey Silver, collecting snuff bottles since Feb.1970

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« Reply #15 on: August 25, 2014, 04:46:18 am »

Dear all,

Thank you, the jokes are making me laugh too hard.

Lucky Peter is on his way back to Hong Kong. China censorship board will not be happy if they see this Tongue

Cheers,
YT
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« Reply #16 on: August 25, 2014, 05:20:30 am »

I thought it was supposed to be ONE joke a day....
I can't keep up with this.  Shocked

Tom
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Tom
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« Reply #17 on: August 25, 2014, 06:45:19 am »

Anyway dear Peter there is a very simple way to tell if the censors are controlling your contacts. I can send you an empty letter, with inside it just a sheet on which I wrote: "Dear Peter, I am sending you the fleas that you asked me for your experiments ...". If when you receive the letter you will find fleas inside, then it means that the censors are controlling you. Grin
Giovanni
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« Reply #18 on: August 25, 2014, 07:32:02 am »

Hi All

I agreed with Tom.

Although we may be too excited to share our jokes with fellow members, please restrict to post only one joke a day from each member. If five members post, there will  be already five jokes for that day!

We do not want anyone die laughing because of too many jokes!  Grin

Besides, we also do not want member to exhaust your 'jokes tank' too quickly!

Just a suggestion.

Regards.


Richard


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Richard from sunny Singapore
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« Reply #19 on: August 25, 2014, 07:50:59 am »

Hi  All

Back  in HK  and   instant  access  to  the   Forum

I  must  repeat  - it's  the  Forum  itself that  is  under  some  kind  of   scrutiny  in the  Mainland,   not me  personally 

I  tried    logging  in  at  Wenzhou   airport  today   using a   China  Telecom   roaming  USB    3G   stick  : same  same   ultra-slow   response   for  the  Forum  whereas   other  "safe"  websites   opened  instantly  

So  please  " keep  it  clean !"  on  the  Forum

Keep  all political  and  (serious)  religious   stuff off the   Forum  ,  even   in  chit-chat

I reckon   jokes  are  "clean"  -  at  least  they  will defy  automatic censor- software  !  

Cheers

Peter
« Last Edit: August 25, 2014, 07:57:15 am by Peter Bentley 彭达理 » Report Spam   Logged

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